Why I HATE Root Beer!

So, you read my post about why I hate summer. Summer ain’t got nuthin’ on root beer — that pernicious saccharine bile from hell!

On a sweltering hot summer day in August, as the Abbotsford International Airshow drones overhead, and the lawn mowers sit silent — the owners huddled in the shade with a lemonade — there is nothing quite like an ice-cold shower of root beer.

Let me describe the steps necessary for this refreshing pastime.

  1. Reach into the refrigerator for a cold can of root beer.
  2. Fumble said can which somehow manages to hit three sharp corners before it hits the floor.
  3. Scream hysterically as a fine geyser of syrupy root beer hits you in the head, concentrating on your left ear canal before hitting the pristine white ceiling and EVERY EFFING SURFACE WITHIN A TEN FOOT VICINITY!
  4. Spend a few moments in shock, then try to assess the damage through your tears (or could be the root beer dripping from your hair).
  5. Notice how your yoga pants fit more snugly with a coating of pop. Notice how your hair has a little more curl after adding a spray of sugar. Notice how the brown spots on all your cabinets accent the brushed nickel hardware.
  6. Laugh maniacally when your kids come running, only to point and giggle, then refuse to help clean up. “Hey, Mom, it’s your mess!”

Now, PLEASE tell me someone else out there has spent an afternoon scrubbing their entire kitchen down after an exploded can incident. It can’t be just me and my sister. Hers was worse…an entire keg of homemade root beer…at Christmas…after setting the table…and just before the in-laws arrived. I think they donated the tree, and told the Salvation Army that the tree was a new invention — Shellacked tree with ornaments and lights.

After I spent a couple of hours cleaning up, I looked forward to a refreshing shower to wash off the stickiness. I hobbled to the bathroom (plantar fasciitis, remember?), and leaned over the tub to turn on the water, knocking a large can of shaving gel off the corner of the tub and onto my foot. Yes, I swore. Perhaps winter will be kinder to me. At least there would be none of this leg-shaving, sandal-wearing, pop-drinking nonsense to contend with.

TIP: If you suffer from plantar fasciitis, follow these tips and your heel will thank you:

  • Rest your sore foot on your knee and pull back on your big toe, stretching the tendons through the foot and relieving pressure on the heel
  • Place ice on the sore heel for 20 minutes
  • Wear socks and your best arch-support runners in the house at all times
  • Raise up the foot on a cushion when watching TV
  • Stretch your calf muscles at night and in the morning

Yeah, I know…this post rambles on about all sorts of disjointed crap…blame the heat…I HATE summer!

1 thought on “Why I HATE Root Beer!

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