Tag Archives: funny

My TOP 8 Writing Tips for Newbies

Here’s a quick Top 8 list of things to help you write anything!


 

  1. Don’t have any distractions (tv, kids etc). This means turn off your email, close all windows (on your computer, dummy, not the ones in your house, although that might be a good idea too.) Okay, scratch the dummy part. You can close all your windows if you want. It does after all get noisy out there sometimes. Come to think of it, that effin bird out there is making an awful racket. Perhaps I will just close mine…sorry about that, had to go out and ask my neighbour to mow his lawn after I’d finished writing this and we got to talking about bedding plants. Now, back to the list. Hey, what’s that buzzing sound? Oh, it’s my cell phone — I have it on vibrate so as not to get distracted.
  2. It is a good idea to have your phone on vibrate…damn! Who is so insistent that they phone right after not getting answered the first time? Do they think I am a bit slow and it takes me a while to figure out my effin phone is trying to get my attention…oh, fuck it, I better answer, it’s going off again… Well, that was an interesting call about why I need to switch my cell service provider. I told her when they can figure out how to schedule the phone calls so they do not occur when I am writing a blog post or when I am in desperate need for the bathroom, they got me for life! When I was in the afore-mentioned bathroom, I noticed my toenails were getting a little long so I got out the trimmers; and of course, then I noticed my legs hadn’t been shaved in a while. Wish I had more time to…
  3. Schedule a specific time each day to write. Even if it is late at night, or early in the morning before work. I have this friend whose husband used to get up at 6 am to write before work. I wonder how he is doing on his book. You know, I really should check online to see if he is on Amazon yet. I bet his book would be really interesting after all that work he put in…
  4. Do NOT get tempted to look anything up on the internet unless it directly relates to what you are writing about. I just spent over $50 and I do not remember exactly what I bought, but it definitely was not my friend’s husband’s book. He wasn’t on Amazon. I should shoot him an email to tell him I checked…Ah, no! Almost fell for that one! Just keep writing, just keep writing…
  5. KEEP WRITING — It is best to keep a document on your desktop to add any ideas to throughout the day so you can expand upon them during your scheduled writing time. Just highlight or delete as you use the content. Ooh, just remembered I had a list somewhere about staying on topic and pruning your work for efficacy and clarity. Hmm, it’s here somewhere…
  6. Stay organized. Just spent an hour browsing through files and getting lost in the mountain of images, photos and documents that do not seem to follow any sort of chronological order, or aren’t arranged in any conceivably organized way. Now I am very despondent. Perhaps a snack to make me feel better.
  7. Okay, no snacking until you finish. You should set a goal (say 500 words or 30 mins or writing if its a blog, or longer if you are working on a novel), and have a favourite snack or bevvy on hand for when you complete. Oh, just remembered, I ate the last of the Goldfish crackers with my red wine last night (thanks, Mandy, for that suggestion — delicious! Just like I had my own wine and cheese party) Anyway, I’ll just pop out and get some nibbles. You know, for when I finish this.

You Know You’re an Author When…

Oh, yeah...this is good. I'm awesome! Gonna make sooo much money!!
Oh, yeah…this is good. I’m awesome! Gonna make sooo much money!!
  1. You check hourly on how your book is doing since launching it a week ago on Amazon.
  2. You swear and throw things when you realize the manuscript file you loaded was the “test” one and not the final proofread copy.
  3. You obsessively scan the “right” book before hitting upload, terrified you may have missed something, or are accidentally uploading your mom’s favourite chocolate chip cookie recipe instead (hey, there’s a good blog post topic…actually, you think you have chocolate chips in the cupboard. You have time to whip up a batch!)
  4. You mix the cookie dough, then realize there are no chocolate chips (you ate them while checking on how your book was doing yesterday.)
  5. You eat the dough raw — because!
  6. You wonder how you ever got a book written in the first place.
  7. You congratulate yourself on actually writing a book, and forgive yourself for the upload error, ‘cos who’s actually gonna buy it and read it anyway?
  8. You spend the rest of the day looking up symptoms of food poisoning from raw cookie batter and promise yourself to fix the upload issue tomorrow.

Pie in the Sky

Excerpt: Abby sits in the bleachers with daughter, Christy, at the high school’s 25th anniversary celebration.

Wolfie wobbled his way into the gym, waving pathetically at the few kids in the front row who cheered for him—probably friends of Ben who felt sorry for him.

Abby was horrified by the sight of her costumed son. “Why on earth would Ben volunteer to do that?” she asked, turning to her daughter who covered her face in her hands. “My God, that thing is rotting at the seams…look at it!”

Ben raised his arms to try and illicit more of a response from the crowd, but that just exposed his stomach, making him look like he was wearing a bizarre crop top.

Christy groaned after peeking through her fingers. “Now you know why I say Ben always embarrasses me at school. He will do anything to suck up.”

Mr. White, the principal, hitched up his pants to cover his rotund figure and swiped at the sweat beginning to glisten on his brow. “And now, the surprise you have all been waiting for…Wolfie here is retiring after twenty-five years as our mascot, and he is looking forward to a little R’n’R, aren’t you, Wolfie?”

Wolfie nodded, his lop-sided head wobbling precariously on his matted fur shoulders.

“And now I would like to introduce you to your new and improved mascot…Timber!”

Through the double doors leading to the change rooms, came charging a large grey mass of fur, topped with a snarling row of fangs, and eyes that looked hungry. The new and improved mascot looked like a wolf on steroids bent on ripping the throat out of every student in the bleachers. A few of the girls screamed, and a few of the boys whooped. The cheers from the crowd turned to surprised “Oh’s” and “Ah’s” as the wolf proceeded to crash through every rope stanchion that the thoughtful cheer squad had laid out as a path to guide the furry giant. The wolf was eventually slowed by the ropes and metal poles tangled around him, until teachers ran to help him—which mostly consisted of ducking and dodging while the mascot kicked and thrashed his way out of the mess.

“Oh God,” Christy moaned, “Timber is high on the job.”

Wolfie was knocked to the side by his protégé as Timber took his place beside the principal, who took a few steps back to avoid his lashing tail.

“Er, say hello to the boys and girls, Timber,” said Mr. White, probably hoping the giant bobble head would move out onto the gym floor and terrorize the audience instead of him.

Instead, Timber fist-pumped the air and headed toward the canteen on the other side of the gym, where two pretty girls were leaning on the counter, ready to serve refreshments after the pep rally. One of them blew a kiss at the wolf, who feigned catching it and eating it in a rather rabid fashion. Timber then lunged for the counter, apparently unable to see the large blue recycling containers in front of him, which went flying, scattering juice boxes and cans across the gym.

“Okay, okay…” Mr. White tried to draw attention back to the scheduled program of events. “Now the cheer squad will lead you all in the school cheer.”

Abby laughed as she watched the befuddled girls search for missing pom-poms and try and regain some composure after Timber’s rampage. “Sure you don’t want to join the cheer squad, Christy?”

“I would rather die!” her daughter announced.

“Join this squad and you might not have long to live at all….” said Abby, bursting into more laughter as Timber tried to join the cheerleaders and only succeeded in recreating a scene from a bad horror movie. The entertainment ended early as Timber was dragged from the gym by the coaches, and the girls tended to their bruises and hurt egos.